The Hazards of Mad Medieval Love and Hookups

Etan L
Jan 3, 2025
3 min read

Updated: Aug 11, 2025

Ah, love. That timeless pursuit of affection and companionship. But oh, how times have changed! Back in the good ol' days (read: the Middle Ages), finding your soulmate was a perilous adventure. Forget swiping right; these folks were more likely to joust for your affections (literally!).

Close-up of a medieval couple holding hands, one wearing a gold ring. The mood is intimate. One wears a blue patterned jacket; the other, lace sleeves. — **Mad Medieval Hookups and Sweet Love**

1. The "Love at First Sight" (and Second, and Third...)

Medieval courtship often involved a lot of... staring. Like, really staring. If a dashing knight fancied a lady, he'd spend hours gazing longingly from afar. If she returned his gaze, well, consider it a match made in heaven. If not? He might just keep staring until she got the message (or called the guards).

Today: We have dating apps. Swipe left, swipe right, ghosting galore! It's less "gaze longingly" and more "scroll endlessly."

2. The "I'll Write You a Poem (But You Can't Read It)"

Forget cheesy pickup lines. Medieval suitors expressed their love through elaborate poems, often filled with metaphors about falcons, roses, and the enduring pain of unrequited love. The problem? Many women couldn't read! So, they'd have to rely on a trusted confidante (or a particularly helpful page) to translate.

Ah, the timeless art of wooing! In the Middle Ages, a knight's success often hinged on his poetic prowess. But let's be honest, not every warrior was a Shakespeare in the making.

I suspect a thriving black market for "love sonnets" existed. Imagine this:

Desperate Knight: "By Jove, I need to impress Lady Beatrice! But alas, my penmanship resembles that of a drunken horsefly!"
Shady Poet: "Fear not, noble sir! For a modest fee, I shall craft a sonnet that will melt her icy heart. Guaranteed to make you seem like a true renaissance man."
Knight: (Hands over a bag of gold) "But...but...what if she suspects I didn't write it?"
Poet: "Simply memorize a few lines. And for goodness sake, try not to trip over your own feet."

The poet probably even had a catalog of pre-written sonnets, each with a different theme: "The Rose of Love," and "The Knight of Woe."

Think of it as the medieval equivalent of those cheesy e-cards you buy for Valentine's Day. Only instead of "From: Your Secret Admirer," it was "From: Bartholomew the Magnificent."

Today: We have emojis. 😜😂❤️ Enough said.

3. The "Let's Settle This With a Duel"

The hazards of mad medieval hookups - Two knights vying for the same lady? No problem! They'd settle it with a good old-fashioned duel. The winner got the girl and the loser, well, you get the picture. Talk about high stakes! (And a high mortality rate.)

4. The "Arranged Marriage" (aka "Love is Dead, Long Live Love!")

Falling head over heels wasn't always the priority. Many marriages were arranged for political or economic gain. Imagine your parents deciding your future spouse based on their land holdings, not their sense of humor.

Today: We have reality dating shows. At least we get to choose who we think will make good TV.

5. The "Courtly Love" (aka "Worship From Afar")

This idealized form of love often involved a lot of...worshiping from afar. Knights would pine for unattainable ladies, composing endless poems and performing daring feats in their honor. It was basically medieval stalking, but with better manners.

Today: We have social media. Stalking has been modernized, and it's much easier to "like" someone's every post without ever actually interacting.

In conclusion:

Tells of mad medieval love and courtship - Medieval courtship was a wild ride full of hazards. It was a time of grand gestures, hazardous pursuits, and a whole lot of staring. While we may have traded jousting for dating apps, the human desire for connection remains the same. Whether it's a carefully crafted poem or a witty emoji, we're all just trying to find that special someone.

P.S. If you're still struggling to find love in the modern age, maybe try writing a sonnet or two. It might just give you an edge! And please don't over-stare, it's creepy.